Seriously, people: can we all agree that the tooth whitening craze has gone a little too far? I am all for having a smile that looks clean and fresh, but is there really a need to stop traffic with your grin? It has come to the point where people with normal, albeit somewhat dingy, teeth look like total hobos when compared to others who have spent hundreds of dollars on their fluorescent smiles. Between the whitening and the new obsession with porcelain veneers, is there even one celebrity out there who will dare to show us his or her real teeth? It seems like fake teeth are becoming as much of a to-do on the red carpet as fake breasts. What is up with this?

I was thinking of donating my tax return money to UNICEF or Feed the Children, but now I am convinced that an investment a laser procedure to bleach my enamel would be a much more appreciated contribution to society. I would hate to be accused of detracting from the aesthetics of the universe with my coffee-stained smile. I mean, why smile at all if your whites aren’t as pearly as they can be?

For those of you who have not yet jumped on the bandwagon, I can only say one thing: “FOR SHAME!” I am thoroughly disappointed in your lack of participation. What’s more, you look like a freak, running around with those tooth-colored teeth. Now, get over your misdirected priorities (ie health, education, shelter), and put your money where your mouth is.